august 30

[JASON RUSSEL BARKER]

Time:

9:36 AM
Date: August 30^th 2010

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i still haven't really ben to bed yet, it was more just a couple aps throughout the night, but i got tired of tossing aound in bed and i went outside this morning. the i thought i may as well take this time to write a blog since it's somethig that i haven't done in awhile. and sitting out here and watching the sun rise sort of gets you thinking and i just need to let my thoughts out. i dont think anyone cares too much to actually read my blogs, but who knows maybe someone lurks them. i don't think i would though.

first off, i feel like a massive dick these days, and i can't even figure out why anyone would want to spend long periods of time around me. i alwys end up saying soemthing stupid or offensive then everyone ends up pissed off, including me. i kind of have the feeling of just crawling itno a deep, dark hole an staying there because right now at this point in time i wouldnt be surprised at all if aubreen wanted to leave me. she shouldn't have to sit around and suffer with someone that's as insane as i am. i don't really like that idea, because she's turned into my whole life, and everything i do i wa doing for herbecause i wanted to make her happy, just whatever i do doesn't feel good enough anymore. and i guess, if she doesn't want to be around me, that's cool, even if i don't like the idea of not being with her she should be happy. i just dont feel like i'm doing that job anymore. maybe i'm wrong though. i really hope to god that i'm wrong.

i'm missing playing music too. i haven't one it in months now. and sometimes i just go look at my guitar or my piano upstairs and think about playing but then i don't even know where to start and then i feel stupid and i just run back downstairs and sit on the couch in front of the tv.

i'm thinking that chnging my perscription was probably a dumb thing to do. so what if i can drink now? what's the good in that when i feel shitty? that just seems like nother problem waiting happen that i really, really dont need. i'm going to have to talk to my therapist again i guess and switch back to what i was taking before. all this switching probably isn't good for me, but whatever i guess. there isn't much i can do now. i just want to feel better again, and i didn't feel half bad with what i was on before.

i think im just going to lay in bed all day or on the couch or where ever i'm allowed to be. i don't even really know anymore.

and if you're going to leave comments giving me pitty or some shit, i don't want that. and if you're going to be an asshole, i don't want that either.

oh yeah, and i almost forgot, in my last blog i said bree was having a baby. yeah, no. that's not happening anymore. that is all.

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Jason Russel

[/s] Barker[/right][/size][/font][/blockquote][/color]

[blockquote][font=georgia][color=AABECA][sup][size=7]ONE[/size][/sup][/color] [size=5][color=303030]NEW COMMENT.[/size][/color][/font]
[blockquote][color=303030][size=1][color=000000][b]name:[/b][/color] first last
[color=000000][b]comment:[/b][/color] [blockquote]what you wanna say here.[/blockquote][/color][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]